I am in really big trouble and none of its my fault.
I very kindly offered to look after my girlfriends fish whilst she went on holiday to Teneriffe with some of her friends from work, one of who is getting married soon to frankly a very boring bloke from Sales called Darren.
We don't live together despite having been in a relationship for the past five and half years. To be honest the crux of our lack of commitment to a long term relationship, marriage and kids is due to her obsessive need to love her goldfish named Kenny after the late DJ and comedian Kenny Everett.
When she's had a couple of pints of Merlot she insists on recounting the tale of how she won Kenny at a fair on the Downs just after the erstwhile entertainer passed away in 1995. Her deep held belief is that Kenny the Goldfish is the reincarnated soul of Mr Everett who has been punished for a misunderstanding during his life and his general piss taking.
Sadly after only two days of looking after every whim of the ageing fish he decided to move on to having a bit of a laugh with me after I had smoked a scoobie or two. Lying with barely a movement at the top of his tank - I thought he was a gonner. I thought perhaps the kiss of life would save the fish but the slippery little sod wriggled out of my hands when I got him out of the tank - and to cut a long story short exited the seventh floor flat via the window without a parachute. Please send me some help as to a more plausible story of how the fish dissapeared - as I will be accused of murder and dumped and I love her and don't want to lose her.

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